SLACKJAW by JIM KNIPFEL
June 14, 2015

Trans-Assholes

 

My god, my god I never cease to be amazed and confounded by what a ridiculous world this has become. The depths people will plumb in order to solidify their pitiful victimhood. It grows more flabbergasting and absurd by the day.

            I was just getting a handle on what “trans fats” were when they threw “transgender” at me. That took some more doing, considering all the legal repercussions and all the concessions businesses, schools, and prisons had to make to cater to this sudden explosion in the quasi-hermaphrodite population. Then people started bandying around the term “transracial,” and I still don’t know what the fuck that one means. Are they like wiggers or something? It all seems like so much whining foolishness. Worse it results in more controls on the language, those things we are and aren’t allowed to say out of fear of offending some useless delicate simpering snot. Because if you do offend them they’ll sue you into oblivion and make you go on an apology tour, as this is what we do now.

            Until yesterday I was able to mostly just laugh off the nonsense and go back to listening to my Mentors records. Then yesterday I encountered the word “transabled” for the first time.

            Okay, bear with me here if you already know the term (and if you do, and if you have ever used it earnestly in conversation, may God have pity on your soul.)

            See, while “transgender” refers to people convinced they were born with the wrong genitalia given how they would prefer to have their genitals manipulated, “trans-abled” refers to people so desperate to be pitied, so desperate to be a victim they become obsessed with being a specific kind of cripple. Some will roll around in wheelchairs even though they’re perfectly capable of walking. Others will truss up their arms and legs like Lon Chaney in The Penalty to pretend to be amputees. Others with twenty-twenty vision will wear sunglasses and tap around with white canes. They claim, in myriad support group websites, that it’s just like being transgendered, in that they feel like they were born with the wrong body, that the defective bodies they pretend to have are how they were meant to live.

            Yeah, they can tell themselves that all they want, but what it boils down to is they’re a bunch of pity whores who want to be treated special.

            I thought it was bad enough to be living in a stupid world in which assholes are now allowed to bring their so-called “service animals” (mostly poodles and terriers and other pointless small dogs) into restaurants because some goddamn shrink told them they were suffering from Post Traumatic Stress syndrome since mommy didn’t hug them enough when they were six. These “trans-abled” assholes are pushing it much, much further. A few with the courage of their stupid and misguided convictions are apparently taking steps to have themselves surgically altered in order to make their dreams of crippledom a reality. Most, however, seem content to remain cripple poseurs, to play act gimphood when it suits their fancy. But since this is America it’s now turned into a movement demanding they be treated the same way people with actual disabilities are treated. That means they want all those bonuses and perks that come along with being gimpy, like being able to go to the front of the line at Whole Foods, or parking in cripple spots at the mall simply because they enjoy pretending to be handicapped. Some apparently hang out at paraplegic support groups and the like, sharing their own imaginary stories about what their lives would be like if they really were cripples or blindos or deafies.

            There’s even a move on now (again because this is America) to legally declare “trans-ableism” a real honest-to-goodness mental malfunction, which would then allow these fakers to fulfill their dreams of not only having an actual victim label to slap on themselves, they’d also be able to collect disability payments.

            Know what I think, as a blindo myself? I’m not personally offended by this on account of my own condition. To my mind there’s absolutely no difference between these poseurs and those geeks who go to comic book conventions dressed like Wonder Woman or Han Solo, or that sexual subculture whose members dress like big stuffed animals. No, it’s that these fake cripples are demanding the rest of us take them seriously. I’m pissed at all the seemingly endless levels of whininess constantly being unleashed upon the culture. If the laws are passed and the language further constricted to take these fucknuts seriously instead of just, y’know, pushing them down, what happens to the real cripples who have to be lumped together with the fakes?

            First day I was teaching a couple of years back, I was confronted with a line of students at my desk, each one holding an official piece of paper issued them by the school stating they had “a learning disability” and were therefore to be given separate tests, easier assignments, and more time than the other students to complete those assignments. My response at the time was “Well if you’re so goddamn stupid, why are you here? Why aren’t you in remedial classes or working in a mop factory like a normal retard instead of wasting everyone’s goddamn time with your fucking whining?”

            (Of course I didn’t say that aloud, or I would’ve been arrested and convicted on hate crime charges. And don’t get me started again on “hate crimes.”)

            Many years before that I was approached by a woman who claimed she was making a documentary film about blindos. “Oh,” she said in a wistful tone that made me want to stab her right there in my office, “it must be so wonderful to be blind! You’re living in a whole new, magical world!”

            Realizing now that had the word been invented back then she would undoubtedly have called herself “trans-abled“ I wish I had stabbed her. No jury in the world would have convicted me. Hell, I might’ve even been given a prize for ridding the world of one more asshole.

            I’m the first to admit that blindness doesn’t bother me that much. So long as I can work and get around I’m fine. It’s frustrating and annoying at times, but so are head colds and hangnails. There’s nothing “wonderful” or “magical” about it, that’s for damn sure, but you learn to fucking deal with it or you become an insufferable pain in the ass.

            I’m starting to get the impression, from the research I’ve done, that these “trans-abled” morons actually begin with the impulse to be an insufferable pain in the ass, to be an unending constant burden on everyone around them, then set about figuring the best way to do that—a way no one could ever call them on. “Oh, you can’t yell at me! I’m in a wheelchair!”

            So here’s what I think we should do. We should gather all the cripple poseurs together and give them exactly what they want. They want to be blindos, we pluck out their eyes. They want to be amputees we roll out the guillotine. They want to be paralyzed, we shoot them in the spine. Then we send them on their way and follow up about six months later to find out exactly how much fun they’re having with this wonderful new lifestyle of theirs. Was it real super-fulfilling when they got lost in the West Village and no one would stop to give them directions? And hey, was it real magical when they had to ask their understanding spouses to wipe their asses?

            Then we tally up all their responses and shoot them in the head and dump them in the woods.

            Whoops, could that be read as some kind of terrorist threat? Oh heaven forfend!

            That would be ironic, wouldn’t it? If a real cripple had to do time in stir because a fake cripple was offended by him? Yet I can see it happening. Jesus Christ what a pathetic world we’ve created.

 

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